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So I took a sick day yesterday and it was brilliant. I didn’t even have a stomach ache all day. And guess what it is back :(  Man what a crappy first half of my shift. Long calls all day. And I was randomly picked for VTO I assumed it was because of my shitty handle time. Sometimes I am so awful at this crap. Oh well. Just need to relax and not let myself get crazy. I am just going to go to Michael’s and get stuff to make Easter baskets for my niece and nephew. I love Michael’s! That was the one job I worked at years ago that I never had an issue with til we got a horrible assistant manager. But that was one of my favorite jobs. Before all my horrible life decisions that have brought me to this day….

So yeah relaxing time at Michaels’s. I may stop by Ross also and get a nice outfit if i find something reasonably priced. Or Target because I love Target clothing.I will probably end up just getting the Easter stuff. I look forward to my family time again this weekend. I just have to get through my 6-10 shift tonight and I will be off the next 2 days :D 

I CAN DO IT!!!!! 

I start work in about half an hour…I am not happy. I am pretty sure for the last month I have cried every day. Still no luck in the new job search. I am so anxious all the time. I constantly have stomach aches because of it. I feel like complete and utter crap most of the time.I can never enjoy anything because in the back of my mind I am thinking “I have to work soon.” I wish that I could just find something to make me happy. Something to rid me of this constant gnawing at my insides. Because of a job! I go to see my family this weekend. I didn’t want to come back home. I should never have moved back here. I don’t even have them around to see to make me feel any better. I have no one really. I can only tell my mom so much of what I am thinking because I don’t want to upset her. I just have to stick it out til I either find something else or I get fired. I don’t foresee me getting fired though. I do the best I can. I can’t take it much more though. I feel my life wasting away over a job. It is sad that we have to be unhappy most of time just to pay the bills each month. I just need a break from life. 

I feel so drained from work right now. I feel so much negativity from the supervisors while basically yelling at everyone in the chats about call handle time. This place is not for me at all. Every time I have to work I get tons of anxiety and the need to cry. Or actually crying. Every day is a struggle not to call out. So far I have not missed a day or even been late. I just hope I can find something good soon so I can leave this garbage behind. They do not pay me enough to be treated like this. I am exhausted with this:( I am not sure but I think this job is really bringing out all my emotional issues. I can never not think about this place. Turning it off is very hard. Goals new job in a month. I’d also like to be closer to my family. I miss them so much:/

Goal to find a new job by next month. This job is making me far to miserable and I will not take it. I have more goals but this is very important at the moment. 

I can’t even escape my miserable job in my sleep. I have dreams of being at work on phone calls, wondering if I have taken to long on a call. I have I contacted ihd fast enough so I won’t get written up? When will it stop?? I am so miserable right now. I start my first part of my shift in half an hour…oh the dread. All day I am working or waiting start work. I hate it :( 

I can not have a conversation with my father without it ending with him being a condescending asshole to me. I am to old be told that he is the father and I am the child. Why is it so wrong to want to have a job that I am passionate about? Why does is make me a crazy person to not want to settle for something that makes me miserable? I need to speak to a therapist about that apparently. I have a job I dislike, I don’t plan on quitting til I find something else. But I don’t plan on festering there and let it make me miserable for years. I have to just yes my father and tell him what he wants to hear. I don’t know why I forget that when I talk to him. I can’t have a real conversation with him anymore. It makes me sad. Not that that is hard to do these days. I need to get therapy for things but not because I want to have passion in my life. Not because I can’t stand my  mediocre job. I don’t want to live my life hating my job til I die. I want to be able to enjoy something I do so everyday is not such a chore. You work so much all your life why not enjoy it. I don’t want to die hating what I have done with my life. My father just doesn’t understand it, he will never understand. 

I just want to do what I am passionate about. I feel like everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed and get on with the day. This life feels like a prison most of the time. Everything I do is just to make money and pay bills. I am only existing. I want to have adventures in my life. I want to see the world. I am only stagnating and most of the time it all feels so pointless. I work and I come home. I don’t even have time or means to enjoy anything. I need to get out of this box that I am stuck in. Yet I have to find a responsible way of doing that. I know why I am unhappy with my life. I just need to figure out how to get myself somewhat more satisfied with my life. I don’t want to dread every second, minute, hour, year…etc. I want too really enjoy it all. All I think lately is how much I do not want to grow old. I can’t even see that future. Now to get ready for work. Eight joyous hours of trying to help people with technical problems, in 15 or less minutes. At least this job made me realize that I don’t want to do tech support…or at least ones where I have to walk people through their problems. Ugh Cheers to a fast shift. 

I don’t know how I am going to make it at this job. Second day on the phones and I hate it. I feel completely drained from it all. I am just so completely unsatisfied with my life. Now I find I do not like tech support. Have to figure out something else I want to study in school. Will I ever be happy? Job after job, will it ever change. I wish I could do what I am really passionate about. But what is that anymore?? I am lost. All I see is this never ending routine of going to a job I hate to pay my bills. That is not living, I am merely existing. I can’t even spend time with my friends to ve actually go out and enjoy myself. It has probably been a month since I have done anything. I am hoping things get better when we are done with the training. Or once again I will be looking for another job. But it won’t matter if I get a new job. It always leads that same feeling of  ”What am I doing with my life?”  I am very appreciative to have a job, some people are not so lucky. Perhaps one day I will find one that is fulfilling. 

I have yet to get back into my exercise and good eating habits. I am sure I have gained a little :( I have just been so unmotivated lately. I just need to push myself more and stop with the stupid excuses. I don’t want to get back into the horrible shape I was in. I am sure that has a lot to do with how shitty I have been feeling. Sometimes it is just so hard to push myself to just do it. That is how I was able to make the progress I had made before. I just have to do it again! 

First day of taking calls at my job was pretty overwhelming. If only we had actually trained on the tools in front of us not by watching the trainer. Also had so much trouble hearing some of the people. I am not looking forward to today at all. At least it goes rather quickly. I left work last night with a completely awful headache and just drained. I hope today will be be better. Can’t be worse I guess. When I get out of training bay and get on the split shift I think it will be less exhausting, 4 hours on 4 off. I don’t know…