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Need…

I really need to for something good to happen. A change from what has been going on with my life lately. I know I need to make things happen myself, but when I try nothing seems to ever happen. I just get stuck in the same hole over and over. I don’t even know what to do. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have yet to hear from any of the apps I have put out. A job with as little talking as possible would be ideal, I think at this point anything is better than this. Just thinking of tomorrow brings me to tears :( I am not doing well at all. I also basically spent my 2 days off in my home alone. Guess I won’t be seeing anyone again for another week.

I miss my family, I hate it here. I hate it everywhere really. But my best times are with my family. I chose to come back to this town. I don’t even know why, for something better, to be closer to friends, to be on my own and of course it was the wrong decision. I am great at making bad choices,it is a specialty of mine. Where is anyone when I need the anymore? I don’t even like burdening friends with all my deep seeded hatred for my life, it is my never ending struggle. I usually hint at it playfully. The only person I have to talk to about it with sort of is my Mom. I just can’t tell her everything it would hurt her to much. I would never do anything  to hurt my family. Some days it is hard to remember there are people out there who may possibly miss me if anything ever happened to me. I know there are and that is why I am still here.Trying. But sometimes it doesn’t seem worth always feeling like this. I then picture how my niece and nephew would feel if I wasn’t there to be their funny, crazy Auntie J. That keeps me going. 

I really miss that positive person had been morphing into over a year ago. I have regressed back into all my old self loathing ways. I know how to change but it is so hard for me. Nothing is going right. Soon enough I will be out of a job again so and looking for a job even shittier than the last. This job I have now probably tops em all. I have been applying for jobs constantly with no results, not even a call:(
Second shift is upon me, all I have to look forward to is in 4 hours I will begin my 2 days off.

I never post on here anymore. I really should. I just have no energy for much anymore to push myself to do anything:/ I am so tired all the time and when it comes to going to work it gets much worse. I get a mixture of sleepy, stomach ache and tons of anxiety. Talking to people just takes it out of me:( Twenty minutes til work, all I can think of is calling out for my second shift.

So I took a sick day yesterday and it was brilliant. I didn’t even have a stomach ache all day. And guess what it is back :(  Man what a crappy first half of my shift. Long calls all day. And I was randomly picked for VTO I assumed it was because of my shitty handle time. Sometimes I am so awful at this crap. Oh well. Just need to relax and not let myself get crazy. I am just going to go to Michael’s and get stuff to make Easter baskets for my niece and nephew. I love Michael’s! That was the one job I worked at years ago that I never had an issue with til we got a horrible assistant manager. But that was one of my favorite jobs. Before all my horrible life decisions that have brought me to this day….

So yeah relaxing time at Michaels’s. I may stop by Ross also and get a nice outfit if i find something reasonably priced. Or Target because I love Target clothing.I will probably end up just getting the Easter stuff. I look forward to my family time again this weekend. I just have to get through my 6-10 shift tonight and I will be off the next 2 days :D 

I CAN DO IT!!!!! 

I start work in about half an hour…I am not happy. I am pretty sure for the last month I have cried every day. Still no luck in the new job search. I am so anxious all the time. I constantly have stomach aches because of it. I feel like complete and utter crap most of the time.I can never enjoy anything because in the back of my mind I am thinking “I have to work soon.” I wish that I could just find something to make me happy. Something to rid me of this constant gnawing at my insides. Because of a job! I go to see my family this weekend. I didn’t want to come back home. I should never have moved back here. I don’t even have them around to see to make me feel any better. I have no one really. I can only tell my mom so much of what I am thinking because I don’t want to upset her. I just have to stick it out til I either find something else or I get fired. I don’t foresee me getting fired though. I do the best I can. I can’t take it much more though. I feel my life wasting away over a job. It is sad that we have to be unhappy most of time just to pay the bills each month. I just need a break from life. 

I feel so drained from work right now. I feel so much negativity from the supervisors while basically yelling at everyone in the chats about call handle time. This place is not for me at all. Every time I have to work I get tons of anxiety and the need to cry. Or actually crying. Every day is a struggle not to call out. So far I have not missed a day or even been late. I just hope I can find something good soon so I can leave this garbage behind. They do not pay me enough to be treated like this. I am exhausted with this:( I am not sure but I think this job is really bringing out all my emotional issues. I can never not think about this place. Turning it off is very hard. Goals new job in a month. I’d also like to be closer to my family. I miss them so much:/

Goal to find a new job by next month. This job is making me far to miserable and I will not take it. I have more goals but this is very important at the moment. 

I can’t even escape my miserable job in my sleep. I have dreams of being at work on phone calls, wondering if I have taken to long on a call. I have I contacted ihd fast enough so I won’t get written up? When will it stop?? I am so miserable right now. I start my first part of my shift in half an hour…oh the dread. All day I am working or waiting start work. I hate it :(