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Well I just just had a realization while cleaning. I don’t want to give up on this place. I am to old to give up my independence. I just need to push extra hard to find a job. I need to apply to each and very job out there. I can’t give up anymore. I am back on track with my healthy regime again:) I need to make sure I don’t give up on this. I can’t!! 

I just want to go back in time today. Back 14 years ago when I first started art school. I want to go back and fix the mistakes I made and finish school. I was an idiot back then. I let myself sabotage myself. I still do this in my life now, I think. I could have been so much better. I can’t blame anyone but myself for all mistakes. I can’t go back and change anything. I just have to do what I can to make my present day life worth living. I need to stop looking back on all the mistakes I made as something negative, but as something to learn from and not do again. I was so young I just wish I could have finished what I had started.  I know it is never to old to do some things, my Dad went back to school again when he was 38 and he made a second career for himself. I can be done, I just have to push myself and stop procrastinating.  

Sooo I don’t have a job again, but I honestly am starting to feel like myself again. My anxiety has lessened, somewhat less depressed, getting back into eating better again since my motivation is back, and I am drawing again. Now I just need to get back to exercising and find another job soon. If I don’t within 2 months I will have to move. I just wish I could find a job that doesn’t make me emotionally sick again. My mom says go back to doing hair, but I really don’t like doing hair. Something will happen soon I am sure.
From now on though I am going to really push with my art again. I want to sell my art and make a living on that. I want to live a passionate life, a life worth living.

I think the end has come with this job. I am scared but I am more afraid of how much worse my emotional state would have gotten. I need to be done with it. I need to have a place to go to do work.  Unless I am working from home to be an artist, this was not the right thing for me. Home should feel like a place of comfort, not a prison. I unhooked all my equipment and it felt pretty liberating :) Maybe I can get my shit back together. Once I find another job. Hopefully soon and something simple so I can relieve my stress, focus on getting healthy again, and start working on my art. I think I may do a piece for a local art show. That is exciting and scary. I have never done that before. Last time a group of people looked at and critiqued my art was in art school. I really should have gotten back to my main passion sooner. So many paths that lead to the same direction. 

So this week has been pretty awful. My anxiety and depression has been at an all time high. I have actually called out of work everyday this week. Yep go me! I really just want to quit and move in with my mom. I would have my Dad just sell this place so I can pay off my car and some other debt. Then I would be able to get a less stressful job and focus on my art business idea. Also to try and get my health back in order again. I don’t know if that is a dumb plan. When I think of this it excites me, yet also makes me sad. I like living on my own most of the time. The location is what is making me extremely depressed. Everyone I love is so far away, I miss them all so much. This job is also making me so stressed out and drained. I think I should just do what I feel will be the healthiest for me. Honestly I don’t if I want to live here anymore. I don’t know I just feel all over the place :( 

I am feeling very inspired to really pursue my art again, and maybe start selling prints. I’m trying to figure out done sort of business plan. I need to find something that will make me truly happy, and I am passionate about. I have been thinking a lot about thus lately. I don’t want to just exist in this world feeling constant dread, I want to feel alive again. I haven’t been doing much creating lately, but when I do time just disappears and I feel so proud of what I end up with. Art just brings the best of me out. Unfortunately I have been falling down a misery hole lately. But I am the only one that can pull myself out. This is going to take a lot of planning. I just have to do something soon or I am not going to make it.

Tomorrow may need a sick day… cough.. cough.

Need…

I really need to for something good to happen. A change from what has been going on with my life lately. I know I need to make things happen myself, but when I try nothing seems to ever happen. I just get stuck in the same hole over and over. I don’t even know what to do. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have yet to hear from any of the apps I have put out. A job with as little talking as possible would be ideal, I think at this point anything is better than this. Just thinking of tomorrow brings me to tears :( I am not doing well at all. I also basically spent my 2 days off in my home alone. Guess I won’t be seeing anyone again for another week.

I miss my family, I hate it here. I hate it everywhere really. But my best times are with my family. I chose to come back to this town. I don’t even know why, for something better, to be closer to friends, to be on my own and of course it was the wrong decision. I am great at making bad choices,it is a specialty of mine. Where is anyone when I need the anymore? I don’t even like burdening friends with all my deep seeded hatred for my life, it is my never ending struggle. I usually hint at it playfully. The only person I have to talk to about it with sort of is my Mom. I just can’t tell her everything it would hurt her to much. I would never do anything  to hurt my family. Some days it is hard to remember there are people out there who may possibly miss me if anything ever happened to me. I know there are and that is why I am still here.Trying. But sometimes it doesn’t seem worth always feeling like this. I then picture how my niece and nephew would feel if I wasn’t there to be their funny, crazy Auntie J. That keeps me going.